Top Ten Reasons Your Music Sucks

Please note, I will cheerfully agree that there are probably exceptions to all of these, and I’m probably more aware of them than you are, but feel free to argue.

10. I Can’t Understand a Goddamn Word You’re Saying

Unless you were one of the first to do this (say, Nirvana), you just sound like you are very, very drunk, and nobody wants to hear a drunk person try to sing. Alternately, you are just screaming random syllables because you are a terrible lyricist and you’re trying to hide that fact by being a terrible vocalist.

9. You Appear On American Idol

Okay, great, you can sing (maybe). But you’re not interested in actually being a musician. You just wanna churn out a bunch of commercialized garbage and be rich and famous. You are a disgrace to everything recognized as legitimate music, and you are wasting whatever little bit of talent you have.

8. You Stole Somebody Else’s Cover and Tried to Pretend Like It Was Your Own Interpretation

Seriously Chris Daughtry, what were you thinking? As though you didn’t suck enough to begin with.

7. You’re Just Imitating a Much More Talented Band or Musician

For the love of Clapton, if you’re going to sound like absolute shit anyway, at least take a chance and make it an original kind of shit. And if you’re trying to sound like Nickelback…well, either aim higher or get a new hobby.

6. Your Entire Catalogue of Songs Sounds Exactly the Same

I’m looking directly at you, AC/DC. And quit acting so damn proud of it, it isn’t an accomplishment to write one decent, catchy song, then just keep releasing it over and over again every six to twelve months. No, the point of music isn’t to just keep reinventing yourself constantly, but fucking evolve a little!

5. You Have Every Right to Make Terrible Music, But You’re Abusing the Privilege

Incidentally, who keeps buying Jack Johnson’s albums? You’re only encouraging him to keep making them, people!

4. You Just Keep Sampling Other Songs

It’s getting harder and harder for rappers and hip-hop artists to pretend like they’re actually making original music (if you can even call it music). Taking what used to be a good song and ruining it by rapping over it about your guns and your bling and your bitches is not actually a good way to make anyone mistake you for a talented musician.

3. You Are Chad Kroeger

No, I will not stop making fun of Nickelback, they are fully deserving of every criticism levied upon them. They are the embodiment of everything that is wrong with rock music today. I know it’s probably already post-trendy to bash Nickelback by now, and I don’t even care. They are just that awful.

2. I Can’t Understand a Goddamn Word You’re Saying, Part 2

Are you singing about God? Stop it. Just…stop it. Statistically speaking, six people are listening to you in the entire world, everybody else has just tuned you out. One out of every ten words you say is Jesus, and the other nine are all…blurrah? Bracking? Borlet? Is it even a word?

1. You Are Trying to Sound Like You Don’t Fit Into A Single Genre

You know who the best and most successful musicians are? The ones who know what they are about and stick to what they are good at. If you’re trying to mash up about six different genres, it’s probably because you’re not good enough at any one of them, and you just end up sounding like Kid Rock.