Life in a Bubble

When did I last post something here? Couple weeks ago? Okay, that's not too bad. I've been trying to form some kind of concrete idea of what I wanted to say next time I pulled up this page, and I think I've settled on a rant about people who are afraid of everything.

We're all afraid of something. Maybe it's spiders, maybe it's clowns, maybe it's heights, dentists, enclosed spaces, the number thirteen, whatever. Maybe you're that very special guy who fears being stuck in an elevator at the thirteenth floor who is somehow falling from the ceiling while being attacked by an arachnid improbably wearing a big red nose and oversized floppy shoes and trying to give you a root canal. You know what scares me? It isn't that unlikely Dr. Spiderclown, DDS. No, rather it's the guy that's afraid of that. Well, not that specifically. I'm talking about the guy with dozens of unspecified fears who takes extreme measures to avoid coming into contact with any of them, the guy who wears a surgeon's mask at night because he heard that you swallow eight spiders in your sleep every year, or the guy who surrounds his bed with garlic and crosses because he's afraid that Robert Pattinson might come after him and get glitter all over him.

The worst, though, the absolute worst are the overprotective parents of the world. You probably know the type. Their kid can only eat the finest (overpriced) all-natural, organic food, they have to wear an entire football uniform to get to soccer practice in case of an automobile accident, they have to be home-schooled because at a public school, they might be exposed to all sorts of Satanic things like practical sex education, the theory of evolution, or possibly even actual human interaction (oh, the horror!)

As I am going to be a dad for the first time around February or so, I want to assure you, dear reader, that there will be none of that sort of bullshit from me. Look, I'm not saying that kids don't need some good old-fashioned parental support and guidance and all that, but they absolutely do not need to be fucking coddled. That shit isn't good for anyone, it just makes them dependent and ill-prepared for the real world, and I will not have any part in having one more goddamn whiny pussy kid running around out there. It's okay if your kid is exposed to some germs, it keeps their immune system sharp in case something really nasty comes along, so don't waste your money on gallons of hand sanitizer. Don't make them wear a helmet when they go bike-riding (unless they're just learning). It will just get them beat up. Take them to McDonald's every once in awhile, it won't fucking kill them. Now, real little kids, you gotta watch them, because they're stupid and they'll stick a key in an electrical outlet first chance they get, but they grow out of that. At some point, though, you gotta take off those kid gloves and let 'em go out and get sick and get hurt and get into trouble, because that's how they learn how to be a person. If you home school 'em, they're just gonna end up being like that guy you work with who not only collects dolls, but has convinced himself that they are endangered Vietnamese kids that he has to protect by blowing up his neighbor's house, and that guy isn't nearly as funny as the movies would have you believe. Damn people, I know the media feeds you all sorts of scary things that can happen out there in the world, but you gotta remember, their paycheck depends on being able to make you afraid of everything.

Anyway, quit being over-protective, and quit being afraid of everything. You've got this life, you might as well try to enjoy it rather than putting a big fucking plastic bubble around you and everyone you care about, because life in a bubble is just a pale imitation, kids. It's Diet Life, nonfat, low-calorie crap that you choke down and try to convince yourself that you like it, but you know deep down that it's not as good as the real thing. Haven't you had enough of that?