Chilisaurus

Those of you who remember my editorials in the newspaper back in high school might recall that I like to alternate the serious pieces with something a little more fun. With that in mind, my topic today is chili. And I'm not talking any old chili here. This is my Cincinnati chili rant.

You really shouldn't ever be caught so much as looking at Skyline Chili. By chili standards, the place is downright terrifying. I mean, sure, it's a fine place to get your chili. That is, if you like your chili all watery and flavorless. Let's face it, any idiot can put a hot dog on a bun with mustard, onions, and shredded cheese. The real coup de grace is the chili, but it just won't do if the chili is making your hot dog bun all soggy. If your hot dog is falling through the bun, then you've got a real problem there. The only thing that should fall off of your cheese coney is the cheese. That's sure to happen at Skyline too, since they have to overload their coneys with cheese in order to mask the subpar taste of their chili. And you can forget about enjoying your three-way at Skyline, since you won't be able to adequately mix your chili with your spaghetti noodles and cheese. The chili would have to actually contain a significant amount of meat in order to blend properly, and Skyline chili simply lacks the proper protein.

Now, if you want some real Cincinnati chili, your only real option is Goldstar. To start, the ambiance in a Goldstar restaurant is far superior to any Skyline. The red and gold colors give it a feeling of warmth, which is what you want from your chili, much in contrast to the cold blue of Skyline. At Goldstar, the other ingredients serve to complement the taste, rather than hide it. Instead of overloading your coney with other stuff, they strike the perfect balance of chili and cheese, with just the right touch of mustard and onions, if you like. And you simply won't have to worry about a soggy hot dog bun. Even if you let it sit for ten or fifteen minutes to cool, or while it is in transport, the bun won't fall apart on you. The chili actually has plenty of meat in it, wateriness will not be an issue at Goldstar. This will also help with your three-way, since the chili will actually adhere just right to the cheese and noodles, rather than sitting in a puddle at the bottom of your plate. We all know, though, that texture is not the ultimate deciding factor with food. The bottom line is the taste, and the fact of the matter is, Goldstar has it in spades, and Skyline just doesn't. If for some reason you prefer your chili to be watery and bland, then go enjoy your Skyline. If you want some chili with real robust flavor and some actual substance, then you'll want to enjoy true Cincinnati chili at Goldstar.

One final note: Goldstar Chili did not pay me to write this, nor did they offer me free supplies of their fine chili. I write this only to guide some poor lost souls who do not yet know what their source of chili should be.